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Tom and Jerry: The Movie
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Footage of the original Tom and Jerry cartoons NC (voiceover): Oh, hell, yeah, I fucking love Tom and Jerry. With the wanton destruction, comedic timing and hilarious sound effects, this is the original cat and mouse team that perfected the art of cartoon violence. NC: I'm such a fucking dork that I actually went out and got the DVD collections of these cartoons, and you know what I found out? I'm not the only one who regards them as comic legends. NC (voiceover): There's directors, historians, and even comedy stars like Whoopi Goldberg and MADTV cast members who all see Tom and Jerry as comic gold. NC: With a comedy team so legendary, you'd think Hollywood would put some real time and effort into their first feature length film together. (pause) They do not. Footage of ''Tom and Jerry: The Movie NC ''(voiceover): Instead, we got Tom and Jerry: The Movie, a 1992 film about, what else, Tom and Jerry. (NOTE: The movie actually came out in America on July 30, 1993 while it was released on October 1, 1992 in Germany.) NC: But now, wait a minute. A Tom and Jerry cartoon is about 7 minutes long with just slapstick and silent humor. How can you possibly make an hour and a half movie out of this? NC (voiceover): Well, let's take a look. In the opening credits, we see Tom and Jerry doing what they do best: chasing each other. And here's our first problem: voice actors. NC: Tom and Jerry had little to no voice actors in their cartoons, but, hey, maybe the slapstick'll be funny. A golf ball crashes through Tom's teeth, shattering them. '' NC ''(voiceover): (sighs) Even the slapstick is wrong. I mean, this is Tom's yell. Scene from the short ''Jerry and Jumbo, Tom, his tail hit by a mouse-trap, yells loudly (AAAAAAHHHHH!)'' NC (voiceover): This is the movie's. Tom, the end of a big hammer falling on his tail, gives a much different yell (YEOOOOOOW!) NC (voiceover): God, that's not nearly as funny. And look at this, when Tom get cut in half in the cartoon, it's humorous. When Tom gets cut in the movie...(Tom is sliced up) Oh, my God, that's blood! They just showed blood in this! What are they, fucking psychos? Yeah, and here's a real joke, Creative Consultant Joseph Barbera. NC: That means they just went up to him everyday and asked, "Is this destroying your creation? Is this nothing like your original vision?" "Yes." "Good!" NC (voiceover): So the film begins with Tom's owners moving away, but Tom accidentally gets flung out of the car, and is forced to stay at home. It turns out the owners moved just in time as their house was being destroyed by an old wrecking ball. Tom and Jerry escape, but are left without a home. So the two of them have to roam the streets looking for food and shelter. These are the only good parts of the movie, where Tom and Jerry try to decide whether to help each other out or not, and all without any dialogue. There's even a cute in-joke with a restaurant called Bill and Joe's, referencing Bill Hanna and Joe Barbera, the show's creators. But it all goes downhill when they meet this singing gay dog and his obnoxious little flea named Franky. Pugsy: Instead of bein' pals, you're fightin' like a cat and a mouse. Franky: They ARE a cat and a mouse, Pugsy. Pugsy: They gotta learn to be pals or they ain't gonna make it out here. NC: It's like Peter Falk and George Carlin's secret love child. Except a dog. Pugsy: The name is Pugsy. What's yours? Tom: I'm Tom. Jerry: I'm Jerry. NC: (drinking water, does a spit take) WHAT THE HELL? Did they just talk?* NC (voiceover): Did Tom and Jerry, one of the most famous silent duos of all time, just speak to each other? NC: No. No, no, no, it's gotta be a mistake, I gotta be hearing things. I'm gonna just go ahead and eat my customary three-pound watermelon and drink my traditional pitcher of Sangria at the same time, while I confirm how wrong I was about this ridiculous misunderstanding. Tom: Whaddya think I am, a dummy? Jerry: You said it. NC: (does a more violent spit) Holy crap, they talked! They actually talked! Montage of still frames of the apocalypse falling on a city, pigs flying, Hell has frozen over with Satan ice skating and Nostalgia Critic going crazy with a chimpanzee at his side NC (voiceover): The apocalypse has finally begun, pigs are learning how to fly, Satan is skating his way to work, and I'm pretty sure I just became a monkey's uncle. NC: Unbelievable, I mean, just unbelievable. The one rule that you never break, and they broke it in the first ten minutes. I mean, isn't that like one of the Ten Commandments or something? (pointing to his fingers as he counts) Thou shall not lie, thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife, Tom and Jerry don't talk. '''*'Contrary to what the Nostalgia Critic implies here, this isn't the first time Tom and Jerry talked. They've indeed talked before during their Hanna-Barbera era (1940-1958). The first time they've talked was in the 1943'' Lonesome Mouse'', in which they were both voiced by one of their two creators, William Hanna. And also, Jerry talked as a bored and depressed king in the 1945 Anchors Aweigh, in which he was voiced by Sara Berner. Moreover, the mouse spoke through inner monologue in the 1956 Blue Cat Blues, the same short that NC talked about in his 2015 editorial Did Tom and Jerry Kill Themselves?.'' NC (voiceover): But wait, it gets worse! Not only can they talk, but they can also sing! Tom: (singing) We two, we're friends to the end Ain't we, my friend? (NC's jaw is dropped.) Tom and Jerry:'' (singing)'' You'll never find two other guys compatible, and steak and fries-- NC: But wait! It gets worse! NC'' (voiceover): Not only do they like to sing, they like to sing about how they don't like chasing each other and how they enjoy being friends! Pugsy/Frankie/Tom/Jerry: ''(singing) The greatest gift in life's a friend (NC's jaw is dropped.) Pays a daily dividend (NC shakes his head in disbelief.) Be like us and start a trend We're friends to the end Pugsy: Hey, you guys are the greatest! I love it! (NC sheds a single tear.) Franky: You are terrific! (The song ends) NC: (after a pause)... My God. Tom and Jerry... are dead. (He lifts up his DVD collection) Alas, poor Tom and Jerry, I knew them, viewing audience. Scenes of the Tom and Jerry cartoons play over the cover to the DVD while "In Pace" from Kenneth Branagh's ''Hamlet is being played'' NC (voiceover): Two fellows of infinite jest of most excellent fancy. They hath borne me on many hilarious antics a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! NC: My gorge rims at it, whatever the hell that means. NC (voiceover): ''Here hung those lips that have been mangled I know not how oft. Where be your screams now? Your torn limbs? Your shattered teeth? Your set of bowling pins that were wont to set children and adults on a roar? Not one now, to mock your antics. Your skirt has fallen. Now, get you to Hollywood's chamber, and tell them, let them stop this douchebaggery that shocks and terrorizes those with most excellent humor, and show them what made such great laughter so great. NC: Make them laugh at that... ''(puts the DVD down, and after a short pause) ''shit fuckers. NC ''(voiceover): Okay, so...(sighs) after Tom and Jerry become friends, Pugsy is taken away, thank God, by a pair of Mexican wrestler dog catchers. So Tom and Jerry set off on their own, while running into a strange gang of alley cats, who like to do nothing more than to... Cat Gang: (singing) We got no time for taste-- NC (voiceover): Sing another song?! NC: Oh, come on, I already had one song cut the nuts off my childhood, I don't need another! NC (voiceover): Look at this, it's like West Side Pussy. How can anyone find this entertaining? It's just torture! Cat Gang: (singing) What do we care about nice? What do we care about sweet? NC: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be humming that tune all week. (He hums it mockingly, then scoffs) Oh, fuck it. NC (voiceover): So after they escape the singing cat gang--good God, did really I just say that?--,they come across another shadow lurking in the alleyways.'' (The shadow is a little girl)'' Who the hell is this? Robyn: I'm Robyn Starling, I'm afraid I don't have a home anymore. NC: I'm sorry, we're trying to shoot a movie here. Is there any chance you could just kinda mosey along and- Robyn: I'm an orphan. (in tears and in a sad voice) ''My mother died when I was a baby. NC: Sucks. You know, we have a lot of shooting to do, and it's actually about Tom and Jerry, I'm sure it's gonna be very funny once it comes out, but you're kind of in the way right now. So if you could just kinda get outta the way, that'd be great. Robyn: Aunt Figg was always calling me orphan. She even stole my locket and threw it out the window, but I climbed down and found it. NC: You're really not gonna leave until we make a movie about ya, huh? Robyn ''(in tears and in a sad voice): Uh-huh. NC: Okay, all right, little rewrite here. (takes a pen and writes on a paper) All right, Tom and Jerry: The Movie is now about... NC (voiceover):'' ...a little orphan who's trying to find her father, Indiana Jones, while her evil aunt and lawyer go searching for her, because apparently, she's worth a lot of money. NC: Oh, and there's a cat and mouse in there somewhere, but that's... that's not important. NC ''(voiceover): So, yeah, you're probably thinking, "What the hell does this have to do with Tom and Jerry?" Well, I guess the writers felt that the story needed a little bit more conflict, 'cause, you know, Tom and Jerry didn't have any conflict whatsoever. So after talking under Exposition Bridge, they decide to go back to her aunt's house, because they figure a bad roof over their heads is better than no roof at all. (Shots of Aunt Figg) I never thought anyone could depict an actual representation of a giant purple people eater, but if there's anything that comes close, it's Robyn's aunt, who seems to be consumed by one thing. Lickboot: We've got to have...money! NC: Oh, sounds like the producers of this movie! NC (voiceover): So they talk about what they're gonna do with Robyn and... (Music starts playing) ''Oh, no, please, not another one. NC: I'll do anything, I'll do your taxes, I'll shave your back, I'll prostitute myself for money, just PLEASE not another one! Aunt Figg: ''(singing) Money is such-- (NC cries out in agony) NC (voiceover): These fucking songs are horrible! NC: It's like Alan Menken's puke somehow mutated and started writing music! Tom: That's disgusting. NC (voiceover): So you might be asking yourself, "Is there any slapstick in this movie?" Well, there's a fat dog on a skateboard who seems to pester Tom and Jerry as they try to eat. Dog: Special, yeah, hahahahahahahahahaha. NC: Oh, yeah, and he sounds like Gollum. (shrugs) NC'' (voiceover): But again, why isn't it Tom and Jerry doing all the slapstick? I don't give a shit about the dog. I'm just praying they put him to sleep by the end of the movie. Jerry: That goes double for me. NC ''(voiceover): After making a mess of the place, Robyn's aunt sends Tom and Jerry to a person who takes care of pets named Dr. Applecheeks*. By the way, have you noticed the strange names in this movie? Dr. Applecheeks, Aunt Figg, Mr. Lickboot? *''Actually, it's Dr. Applecheek. '' NC: These are sounding more like abstract fetishes. NC'' (voiceover): So it turns out Dr. Applecheeks holds rich pets ransom, and gives them back to their owners for outrageous amounts of money. How do I know this? Because he sings about it, of course! Dr. Applecheek: ''(singing) ''Yes, animals are business. A money-making business. NC: I don't think so! ''(He then swings his arm across the screen and then shows a shot of a door closing, as if he had just slammed it on the character). NC'' (voiceover): So while in the pet prison, guess who they bump into? ''(shot of Droopy Dog in one of the open cells) ''No, not him... ''(Pugsy is in the cell next to Tom and Jerry's, and NC gasps at this) ''You! You killed Tom and Jerry! You turned them into friends and ruined the franchise! ''(He loads his gun) Pugsy: What? NC shoots Pugsy's head off NC (voiceover): So Tom and Jerry escape and try to help Robyn reunite with her father. Hey, look, it's TOM Sawyer and HuckleJERRY Finn! NC: (laughs nervously, then stops) I've been watching this movie too long. NC (voiceover): But a giant ship separates our heroes as Robyn wakes up in an unknown house. A bird puppet stands up and looks at Robyn, who screams. The puppet screams. Robyn screams again. NC: Oh, my God. I'm in Hell, it finally happened. Captain Kiddie: Great Squabbling Waffles! (He blows a whistle, NC looks weirdly at him) Avast and heaveto there, mates! You are the lucky guest of Captain Kiddie. (Referring to the puppet) Oh, yes, and my first mate, Squawk. Robyn: (giggles) ''He's funny. NC: No, he's frightening. NC ''(voiceover): So while Robyn is stuck watching Captain Kiddie's psychotic episode, she manages to tell him where she's going. Robyn: Tibet. Have you been to Tibet? NC: I don't know, why don't you sing about it? Captain Kiddie: (singing) I've done it all! NC: (slapping his head) ''WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE A SONG IN THEM?! DOESN'T ANYONE JUST SAY YES OR NO ANYMORE?! Captain Kiddie: ''(singing) ''I've played Macbeth on ice. NC: Shut up. Squawk: (singing)'' And got pneumonia twice. Ah-ah-coo! NC: Shut up! Captain Kiddie: (still singing) Guess you can't have it all. Squawk: BRAAAK! NC: SHUT UP! The two keep singing. NC pulls out his gun, loads it and shoots off Captain Kiddie's head. '' NC ''(voiceover): So Tom and Jerry find Robyn, but unfortunately, Captain Pedophile Kiddie is holding her ransom for a million dollar reward her aunt promised. On top of that, Dr. Applecheeks hears about the reward and wants to get her, too. But unfortunately, he was tossed out of the car he was in, so he has to find another form of transportation. The doctor sneaks up slowly on an empty ice cream cart, and then the shot fades in black. NC: What the hell was that about? Was he gonna...sexually assault it? I mean, what the hell? NC'' (voiceover): So Tom and Jerry help Robyn escape as they get on a boat, which they, of course, know how to drive. This results in a wild goose chase as everyone chases after Robyn in order to get the million dollar fortune. NC: So let me clarify this for those of you who might've missed it. NC ''(voiceover): A cat and a mouse are driving a ship, trying to save the daughter of Indiana Jones, while being chased by a purple people eater, a dog on a skateboard, a performing ship captain, his hand puppet Squawk, two Mexican wrestlers, and a doctor riding an ice cream cart!? NC: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Mindfuck! A montage of the scenes he just described plays out, with the words "Mind Fuck" flashing on screen, set to the song ''"Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger, while NC goes crazy.'' NC (voiceover): So Robyn gets to the cabin where she thinks her dad is, only to find the bad guys are there waiting for her. But a lamp falls over, and, of course, starts a fire, burning down the entire cabin. NC: I always love how one spark can set off a house fire in like two seconds. Watch. (He lights a lighter, and a house explodes) Ya see? NC (voiceover): It looks like all hope is gone for our three heroes until... (The Indiana Jones'' theme'''' plays, as Robyn's father shows up in a helicopter)'' It's Robyn's father, Indiana Jones! Daddy Starling: Robyn! I'm coming, hang on! Robyn looks awed at her father. NC makes the same face, mocking her. NC (voiceover): He rescues his daughter and leaves Tom and Jerry to burn alive in the fire. Wait, what?! The house collapses and Tom and Jerry fall into it. NC: Dude! Robyn: Tom! Jerry! The burning wreckage falls in the lake. NC: That's... dark. Robyn: They're gone! My best friends are gone! Daddy Starling: Don't cry, Robyn. We'll find them. NC: Or at least what's left of their charred remains. Either way, we're eating tonight! NC (voiceover): Oh, of course they're alive. They've survived Thanksgiving dinners more threatening than that. So Robyn and her father adopt the cat and mouse and invite them to live in their home, where, of course, Tom and Jerry start doing what they SHOULD'VE been doing throughout this entire movie. I love this little circle here, like "Yep, that's what it's aaaaaall about." NC: But nope, that's not what this film is about. I'll tell you exactly what this film is about: AN HOUR AND A HALF TOO LONG! NC (voiceover): This film is awful, the lowest form of shit! NC: It sucks ass. (A placecard shows up saying "It sucks ass") It sucks balls. (Another placecard shows up saying "It sucks balls") It sucks assballs. (A third and final placecard shows up saying "It sucks assballs") If I was to go back in time to tell the Tom and Jerry of 50 years ago that they would be making a film of this caliber about them, what do you think they'd have to say about it? Tom (from the short ''Mouse Trouble): Don't you believe it! NC: I'm trying not to. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. ''(Starts leaving) ''God, what a fuck-load of ass! ''("The End" is shown with the song "Flagpole Sitta" playing again) Category:Content Category:Guides Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Nostalgia Critic